Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
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There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.