Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
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*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?