78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
You Might Also Like
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Me when my alarm goes off
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?