customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
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Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
I’m awake but I object,
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)