So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
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My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
What about a To-Don’t List?
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Oh boy, $150,000!
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.