If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
You Might Also Like
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Sending in my taxes
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”