German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
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Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Me: …
Dog: …
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Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane