Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
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If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Every work call, he judges.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋