I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
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They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.