Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
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DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘