2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
You Might Also Like
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions