Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
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If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain