I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
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until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI