What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
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[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.