*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
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Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.