Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
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Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower