That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
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Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.