I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
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ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.