lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
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I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire