my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
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[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
A wise man once said nothing.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.