The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
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He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
In Canada they just call them geese
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.