Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
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[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all