Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
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*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
I drew y’all a little something.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano