Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
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People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
I’d … I’d rather not.
Hot Panini is in big trouble