Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
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I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.