Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
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If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!