If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
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her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
I’m going to need a moment here.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.