me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
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[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.