Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
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If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”