The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
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I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
For when Tinder doesn’t work
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure