Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
You Might Also Like
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
But I really needed water water water
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
he’s doing your taxes
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.