Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
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ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Simple enough.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
This a good idea
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*