Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
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Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
😂😂
so weird how every mom was born today
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.