I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
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Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.