I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
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Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.