Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
You Might Also Like
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.