Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
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King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
I think about this a lot
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
I’ve been learning to cook.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.