“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
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Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.