“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
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I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
“you recording!?”
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
WHY would you be happy about this?
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain