83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
You Might Also Like
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.