DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
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Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
only 11 steps left
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.