Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
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The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
He a real one for that
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
I’d … I’d rather not.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.