You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
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I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid