[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
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“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Mountain Goat : )
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Always…
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.