I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
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Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”