I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
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WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating