*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
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Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”