From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]