I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
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[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
$4 #usedbooks
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?