[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
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Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
The “research” scene in every horror movie
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
I’m calling the cops.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
🤣dope
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
guys i’ve cracked the code
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here